Someday
by Ainokki
Summary: Demi support. Started with one oneshot, but now that I wrote another one I just decided to add it here. Hope u enjoy. xOneshots
1. Chapter 1

Some days I would wish I didn't exist. I wouldn't get up from my bed, I would just lay there and pretend I didn't have a life to live; I didn't have to go to set or studio. I wouldn't have to do interviews; I could just be by myself. Those were the good days, those were the days I was able to ignore everything around me.

Most days though, I would do everything I had to, but at the same time die inside. I would meet a fan and talk with them, hear them saying I changed their life, and die inside at the same time, because I was able to write music that meant so much to others, but meant nothing to me. I felt like a liar, I felt like everything was slowly crashing down but no one noticed. I would put on a smile and I'd hear people telling me how brave I was, even when I was such a coward inside.

Do you know how it feels to hate yourself? Do you know that feeling when you look at yourself from mirror and all you see is things you'd like to change? Do you know where it leads when you go years an years with out dealing with it?

I thought I had found the cure. That one person who could make me feel so beautiful, make me feel like I was wanted. Do you know how important it is to feel loved, cared and wanted? I know, because I once knew how it felt. Until it was taken away from me.

My mistake was falling in love with my best friend. I'm not even going to pretend that we were friends all those years and then suddenly it was more. I fell for him the second we met. Of course I had to be there to see him fooling with all those other girls, some of them were even my friends, but he never noticed me. I was either too young, or too much of a friend. I never was that one girl he'd totally fall in love with.

I don't even know what had changed when we started exploring the non friendship parts of our friendship. I think I was so caught up in the moment, that I didn't stop and think why he was treating me differently all of a sudden. Guess at that point it didn't matter why, but just that I had someone to catch me from falling.

That was the point of my life though, where everything slowly started to get better. I had my best friends with me all the time; I was working with my boyfriend, who made me feel like the prettiest girl of the prom. I felt like nothing could break me. It was like drugs, they would take you so high for a while, but then you'd come down and things would be even worse than they were in the beginning.

That first day I saw him with _her_I didn't cry. I put on a mask, when they looked at me they saw a girl who was sad for losing her boyfriend, but also who was starting to heal. I wasn't starting to heal. I guess you could say I was in denial, I didn't believe that the one I loved had moved on.

When she first joined us on our tour I told everyone how I felt about it, and I mean everyone. Then he came to me, after two months of ignoring each other he came and talked with me. He was the first one to notice I wasn't alright. He was the first one to notice I wasn't eating. He tried forcing me to eat, he cried, he screamed, he hold my wrists so hard that they bruised. But even he, after everything, couldn't get to me. All I was thinking about was if I was one size smaller, maybe then he would want me again.

My life was playing in front of me, I was watching it like a movie, but I wasn't the one making the calls, not anymore, it was the disease that pulled all the strings. Have you even been to that point in your life, when you don't know what day is it, because you don't remember when the last time you had any sleep was? You're life becomes blurry and you can't really look at it and say what was the point everything turned out that way. All you think about is how much calories you've eaten that day, or how many you have burned.

Every day was the same for me. Get up, eat half of an apple, work out, interviews, sound check, work out, go on stage, eat rest of the apple then party. Only things I really drunk was water and vodka. Vodka, because everything else had too much calories. I even thought about starting to smoke, purely because I heard it takes your appetite away.

To be honest, I don't know what I used during that time of my life and I don't really want to know. Those nights are so blurry that I don't even want to remember them.

I don't blame him, I don't blame my parents, I don't even blame these girls who called me fat when I was little. It's not their fault, it's this society we live in that only wants to see one type of people. They put too much expectations on us, wait for us to turn out just the way they feel is right. And still, after everything, I don't blame my disease. I don't hate it. I might recognize it, but that doesn't mean I will ever fully love myself and my body.

There are days when I hate myself so much, that I start crying and lay on my bed whole day and act like no one cares about me and what I do. There are days when I go and throw up and refuse to eat. There are days when I look at my wrists and the razor that's in the bathroom. There are days when I wear a smile and tell everyone I'm alright. There are days when I actually feel happy.

Then there's days like this one. These days when I look at videos, pictures, interviews and think about those days when I couldn't stop everything. These days when I think about calling him and telling him about all of this. Days when I wonder if those days were better than this one.

And this day isn't anything special; it's the same as all the others before this. Today I sit with a psychiatrist for an hour and I don't say a word. That one special hour when I think about my life, where it was and where it's going. The day I'm waiting for is the day I'm finally ready to share my pain.

**So I know she already did told us her story, that's what inspired this oneshot. It's just my take on eating disorders and all that. I love Demi.**


	2. Chapter 2

All I feel is the ache in my head and the urge to throw up. I'm afraid to open my eyes, scared of the sunlight. I know I've slept too much, because I feel tired. Anything more than three hours and you start to feel the lack of sleep to catch up. I turn around to my side and pull the sheet to cover most of my naked body. I rub my forehead, trying to make the pain go away, but it doesn't.

After a few more minutes of hoping the hungover to ease, I get up and look around the room. Hotel it seems. I try to remember where I am, but can't, somewhere around South America, but I have no clue about the country, let along the city.

It's 10 am and I know that in few hours I need to be doing interviews and work, but for now I can just try to remember what happened the previous night. I slowly make my way to the living room of this suite and see a 20 something guy with dark hair doing lines of coke from a glass table.

I say nothing and sit on a couch, still wearing nothing but the sheet from the bed. "Why didn't you wake me up?" I finally ask, my throat burning. I decide that I need to get some water, so I walk to the minibar, just to find it filled with empty liquor bottles. I roll my eyes and take the one untouched bottle of water, from the back of the minibar.

"You looked so peaceful." The guy smiles in the middle of two lines and points to the coke. "You want some?" I weight my options. Either have a shitty day and remember it later, or just take the line and find a minute of peace. I walk to the table and take the bill the guy is offering to snort the stuff. I take it in, enjoy the burning feeling in my nose and throat, knowing that soon I'll be in no shape to think clearly.

"I need to get back to my hotel." I tell him and get up again, to look for my clothes.

"Your clothes are on the balcony." The guy winks at me and I look at the open door to the balcony, regretting for a while, and then go get my stuff. As I dress up, I try to remember what happened the night before, but I only can get some pictures. I remember finishing our show, declining dinner with the boys, just taking off with my dancers. There definitely was booze and drugs going on, nothing more serious though. Just the usual. But this guy, I don't have a lot of memories of him.

He interrupts my thinking though, as he slaps my ass and squeezes it, and at the same making a bite mark to my neck. I turn around and slap him. "My neck is off limits, you know that, you must know that." I say, but then take a step closer to him and kiss him, biting his lower lip. What can I say? He is hot and clearly we had already done worse stuff than kissing. I'm just a girl after all.

"You are nothing like I expected you to be." The guy laughs and I raise my eyebrow.

"What do you mean?"

"Well you seem like this perfect Disney girl, but you're a naughty one." He winks as he falls back to the couch. I zip up my dress and put my high heels on.

"Yeah? Well people rarely are what they seem." I head to the door, now in posses of my purse.

"It was nice to meet you!" The guy shouts as the doors slams close and I take a deep breath. I need to calm the fuck down, before getting back to my hotel. Side effects on my not-so-healthy lifestyle? Being bitchy and angry half of the time. And the rest of the time just being so fucked up with all the drugs that I have no idea whats going on around me. I like it that way though.

I need someone to pick me up. I send a message and stumble to the closest coffee to get some water. I know its not necessarily safe for me to walk around the town alone, but with my shades on, no one really notices me. I look trough my bad for pain killers, but I don't find any.

When I finally got to our hotel I see the boys already waiting for me.

"The hell Demi? It's like 11 am, we should be going already." Joe snaps at me and I laugh dryly.

"Sorry boo, guess you'll just have to go without me then." I give him a bitchy smile, feeling kind of proud of myself.

"What the fuck is your problem?" He asks me actually pushing me a little and I take of my sunglasses and stare at him for a few seconds to see if he's serious about pushing me. I take two steps so my face is 1 inch away from his and hiss.

"Don't you ever lay your hand on me, ever again. You got it?" I stare at him, both of us refusing to blink.

"Fine. Whatever." He finally says and turns around.

"Yeah, thought so." I laugh again and put my sunglasses back on. "So I'll be down in like a few." I fake smile and get to the elevator. I know that if I was sober, I'd never have the courage to stand up against Joe.

I take my shoes off in the elevator. I feel the world spinning around me and I can't stop it. I try so hard to concentrate on something, but everything is a big blur. As I get to my door it takes me a few minutes to unlock it, but I stumble to the bathroom and strip down my clothes and hop on to the shower. The hot water makes me feel even more dizzy so I sit on the floor.

I don't know what the time is when I hear someone knocking on my door, I'm still in the shower floor, must have passed out for a while. I try to get up from the floor, but end up just falling again and hitting my head to a corner. I feel the blood running down my forehead but I don't care. I feel like laughing and crying at the same time. My eyes are full or tears but I'm still hysterically laughing.

I hear someone breaking into my room and rushing to the bathroom. They turn down the shower and I feel someone's hands around me. I lay my head against their shoulder and let myself close my eyes again.

In their arms I feel safe, I feel peace. Even if it's just for a moment. So I let myself cry, I cry until everything blacks out.

**Hi. I've almost ready chapters for like most of my stories so now I just need to get my ass to upload them. This one sucks, but I used so much time for it so I just deleted the ending and stopped here. Like originally this was the half way of the story so maybe one day I'll upload the rest. **


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